on waiting for love

i know deep down inside i want to be better. When I go deep down inside it is dark and foggy. I want to stay up high for something I was taught to make me happy, but in reality I know it is only a dream. I soon realized i was programmed only to be complete with a family and a best friend who is my wife. While no body is really even truly happy with themselves, so they find love in other places and end up in other peoples beds. Deep down inside I just lay down and bury my own grave... because we were born alone and ultimately die alone. sometimes i wonder if being dead only lasts a couple minutes like an orgasm. sometimes i wonder if it will ever go back to two people needing each other for the sake of making the dream come true. and then the rest of the time i am awake, regretting why i even opened my eyes again. i heard my friend tell me that he is waiting on gods time. it made me reassure myself that I should know what day it is.