A Painting at the thrift store

Sometimes, you pour your whole heart and soul into something and give it to someone, only to realize that one day, they no longer have room for you in their life. So they let you go. They throw you away. It makes me wonder when we’re gone, where does everything we ever cared about end up? Does love only matter when two ends spark? I think not that I chose the wrong one to love. I find it a miracle that I could endure such pain of missing, of sorrow... No matter how hard you try to make all the pieces fit, it can feel like nothing lasts. And still, I find it hard to believe that all the time, love, and effort I gave could have meant nothing to anyone. throw this away for me. Life can sting sometimes. my tears symbolize sacredness. its okay now. after a few years in time no one remembers anyway

Just water?

i have not succumb to soda thr past few days, but i did notice my addiction flare up in different forms. i noticed that i unconsciously ordered a mcdonalds sugary coffee and a hortchata which is not improving my diet. im going to attempt to just drink water only for a while and see the results on my health mentally and physically

Attempt to stop drinking soda

whenever i want to cool off or something cold, I go for a diet coke. my favorite place to get sodas is happy liquor in long beach. sometimes i get cbd sodas, diet coke and my favorite right now is cannonborough craft. ive deveoped a belly and its something i want to get rid of. i remember quitting soda before. i hiked by myself to the hollywood sign and got lost... i saw houses with pools and i tried to climb a fence to jump into the pool. i saw a couple have a picnic and felt i was disturbing them as i was dying alone with all these people around me. as i treaded my wmay down the mountain, i came along a park and a playground with a water fountain. i walked to it and pressed the button and as the water jumped i felt the coldest revival of life touch my soul. and that point on I swore off soda. I also had hate and resentment towards a certain person who i do not wish to name, but i kept reminding myself that i never wish to become like them. Todays goal, I have no drive fueled by comparing myself to another person, I just want to like myself again. I want to feel good and i need to work on myself really well. I need to put in the work and this time appreciate my journey. I felt like that was something I lacked along my journey last time. time to rebrand myself once again and live a new life.

they say the most loneliest place is being around the wrong people...

have you ever sat on a table surrounded by people who you knew nothing to talk about and saw the ones you wanted to talk to from a distance? well this time im going to use my legs and walk over to the area i want to sit with

you know my whole life i wasted it on being sad. i remember being sad for 3 years straight. i remember my teens, being sad. I remember being sad because someone didn’t like me. and im tired of that shit. i mean, why do i even exist just to automatically be negative all the time? there’s something else that is better out there that i am not focusing on. you know, ever since I practically told myself that whoever brought me into this world, this life that I live right now. that I should show them in return, that I could make this life worth living.

God and Beast

Everyday I yearn for someone to share my life with maybe I just don't see who I'm sharing with

I told a group of people that a part of me died that moment,

When I knew you wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

What was it inside my mind that made me think

You were meant for me?

A part of me always dies

Like skin cells another one regrows to adapt to this world.

Love thyself before anything else.

Even my bestfriend will leave me.

Does the human memory even matter?

We are so evolved and so smart, we created ego.

But it does not matter, in fact it is a double edge sword of omega and alpha.

All the things I have wont matter.

All of me in a pile

The best version of myself.

Thank you for never giving up on me

It was never your obligation
You knew you just had to be there
our bond was a genuine reciprocation
God watching from above listening
but does only stay silent
Like a teacher, during a test.
A feeling that has wronged me.
To learn resilience from the face of advesity.
To find God in my prayer,
and I found myself, in the right state of mind.
and to forgive the sorrows of my past.
what gave me passion to be a better person.
all the things I lost
were never mine.
material things
were only to impress
others who never cared about me in the first place
now I see
the right ones
who cheered me on
since the beginning
now I am
focusing
on the good
now I am aware
what I feed
you helped me see
what I could not
and that is
proof miracles exist.

You made me feel

Honestly I cannot denie the fact that out of the millions of faces I see everyday
it was you who actually made me feel something
it was not just attraction
it was not just emotion
it was not just feelings
love is not just the word.
It was not just touch
It was just not perfection
It was not just smell
I did not have to hear it
I just knew
you understood me.
and that made me feel safe for everyone else.

Post Apocalyptic Love Songs

I just had to talk to you no matter what

I don’t want love to feel wrong

There's something inside me that needs your touch

a touch only a smile could answer

I drove to the end of time

Just to see how I would die

then I thought of you

And found nothing there

Heros die first

Its the only way

we would ever listen.

I don’t want love to feel wrong

There's something inside me

that feels like

there's nothing there

Seven years

I am not the man that I used to be.
Recognize the man in the mirror I see
Left behind the flakes of cells
under my bed
except the memories in the cell of my
mind seven years is not the same me
seven years and not the same you.
one chance is all we got.
say something damn it and make it good!

Another chapter dawned

Another chapter dawned yet still we stand side by side.
Recondite feelings have drought the energy of a tired eye.
I keep mines open, as the other sleeps as you did for me,
I understand your soul, recoup well, kind friend.
The life of an artist as attractive as it may seem,
who would know the heavy burden of pain,
it took to carry while walking on the field?
I've used the word love too many times; I must confess,
but I used them as true as I could possibly know.
I walk alone, and will die alone, but I will never live alone.
All I know what we did to make this life beautiful,
is that it mattered when I met you.
Wherever you are, I pray to what I believe
may you find someplace good.
I hope inside you feel free.
I wish to meet you again
and experience this journey
I love you with all my heart dear friend
until the very end

self

I stared in the mirror yesterday until I have come to the realization there is nothing wrong with me. I looked into my eyes and the universe stared into itself. I smiled and moved my eyebrows, and checked my dimples. I stood up straighter with my head high. I said in the mirror... its possible.

time

I am grateful that I have the time to evaluate myself.
I am healing and the ball is rolling collecting days of sobriety.
All small victories.
I am hurting right now, but pain is just a reminder I am in the right path.
Like fire testing the quality of gold. Temperament adversity tests a strong willed person.

I am grateful to go through this pain and suffering, because if I conquer this I will be stronger spiritually.
And that is something great to look forward to.
I keep telling myself it will be better and more meaningful on the other side. Time will test truth.

the meaning of "I don't care"

I drove to the end of time,
And found nothing there,
during the middle of
a circling conversation,
I ended it with "I don't care."

they say words are vibrations,
I feel your energy in the air,
merely spells, they only work
if you believe or are aware

the language in the tounge,
the eloquence of truth,
the time it took
the meaning from heart.
the silent listener.
the mind let absorbing
the things left unseen

the meaning told differently

do misunderstandings happen for a reason?
is this thought thicker than blood?
I need more time to answer
I need more time to think

does love only have one perfect shot?
Can a man not be a creep for once.
Can I know what's going on your mind?
without even telling you.

does the word sorry mean it is my fault?
do I have the wrong bullets for this gun...
argues through talking at another
ego blinds the perception

the bubble bursts, the ripple in water moves
the painting dries and is abandoned.

twenty nine teen

the most productive year in a long time. it is officially snowballing

no more social media

all millennial artists are stupid fucking bullshitters.
ESPECIALLY the ones with a degrees.

coachella is fucking stupid

coachella is fucking stupid

love

I'm afraid of finding someone.
who I could never want to leave,
who would seemingly change their mind.
especially when they won't feel the same way
especially when nothing gets answered when I pray

I want to dream
of finding my true love.
who becomes my best friend
where we gift ourselves to walk
through life together
and experience gods gift
to never be alone

I want to look up
When I see you in the stars
when I feel pain
It's the reason I want to get up.
I want to be alive.

I only want one person
I can give my all to
I want to live in a fantasy in my words
because real life ain't what its ought to be.

help

When life comes crashing
down from the sky,
first, I have to check my phone.
pick up whats left of the rubble.
whats left of my soul.
pick up my words,
that don't even matter
death is a door
everyone walks out of

we only have so much time
in this world together

i don’t understand why
anyone
who’s ever loved me
wouldn’t hold on to me?